Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Garbage Man Can

You must be sick to death of me whining about my garbage can woes, but you're not half as sick of it as I am. Last night, once again, I couldn't move my lidless garbage can because it was full of rainwater, and I had to wrestle the can to the ground to pour the water out so I could take the garbage out to the road.

In fact, last night was the worst night yet. It rained almost every day this week, so the rain had steeped in the can for a few days and turned into a foul, sun-brewed, refuse tea. As I poured the vile stuff out, trying to keep it from running over my feet, it carried a few french fries and half of a rotten fish sandwich out with the flow. You can imagine how much fun that was to pick up.

I tried to call my "waste management company" again today. Once more, I waited on hold for an interminable amount of time and, once more, I had to give up to answer a call on another line. Of the times I've tried to call, I've only made contact with a human being once. Obviously, it's time to try a different tactic.

I've thought about writing a letter for a while now, but they must get stacks and stacks of them considering their recent service problems. What are the odds they'd draw mine out of the complaint lottery and respond to it?

Well, I think I am going the letter route, but outside the regular channels. Before I do something I might regret, read this, if you have time, and tell me if you think it might work:


Unnamed (for now) Waste Management Service
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Dear Person Who Opens the Mail:

Yes, that's right, I mean you, the mail-opening person. Can you help me, please? I've had a problem with my trash pickup service recently and can't seem to connect with anyone who has the authority to resolve this problem; therefore, I'm hoping to enlist you in my endeavor to get a new garbage can to replace the one that's been broken for weeks now.

I would deeply appreciate it if you, my new mail-opening friend, would direct this letter to the person in your office who has the best singing voice and/or the most guts, then persuade that person (and backup singers if there are any volunteers) to take it to the office of the Vice President in Charge of Who Gets Replacement Cans, then sing the enclosed song aloud to that V.P. I'd be grateful beyond words.

I look forward to hearing from someone representing your company within a week from the date of this letter. I've taken the liberty of posting this request online on my blog (without identifying your company at this point) and will be happy to post the company's response as well.

Thank you in advance for any assistance you can provide. I can be reached by phone at the numbers above.

Velvet Sacks (Readers, I'll use my real name, of course.)

Here's the song:

(to be sung to the tune of "The Candy Man")

1st Verse:

Who can take my trashcan,
(Who can take my trashcan)
empty out the load,
toss the can and leave it
helter-skelter in the road?
The garbage man can.
Oh, the garbage man can.
Just look at what he did,
holy crap, he broke the lid,
I need a new trash can.

2nd Verse:

When next I took the trash out,
(When next I took the trash out)
there'd been a lot of rain,
I couldn't budge the can until
I tipped it o'er to drain,
but the garbage man can.
Oh, the garbage man can.
He spied my broken lid
and he hauled it off, he did,
I need a new trash can.


No lid's on the bin;
rain keeps pouring in;
flies go in and out as they please,
crawl on spoiled tuna and cheese,
lay their eggs and spread disease.

3rd Verse:

I called your office number,
(I called your office number)
requested a new can;
the girl said she'd discuss it
with the manager man.
Oh, the garbage man can.
Yes, the garbage man can.
You have not returned my call,
and I'm begging now, y'all,
I need a new trash can.


  1. Oh my gosh..you are hilarious!! Thanks, now I'm going to be huming that song while I'm laying in bed tonight. If that letter doesn't get you a new trash can (I'm still laughing about your other trash can tragedies)post their name, will choke em' with phone calls, e-mails, letters, (not as charming as yours of course). Did you ever think of stealing your neighbors trash can.... of course only the neighbor that isn't worthy of a nice trash can. Good luck, keep us posted!

  2. OMG, Velvet, that is priceless! If your new found letter opener friend doesn't want to sing it - I know a few that I could get together to help you out!!!

    That's funny, right there. I don't care who you are! LOL!!

  3. I thought I was posting to this, but as a new blogger, I guess I didn't. I just wanted to tell you how much I liked this blog. I agree with schremsgems and priss and would like to join the choir when it gets going.
    By the way, this is your "singing nun cuz". I guess that is what I should have signed on as instead of postlady. I wanted postladyhasbeen,but couldn't get it. Can I change now?

  4. I think it would all depend on the delivery! :D

  5. I'd send the song to...then it will be posted on the bulletin board if someone does open it.

  6. Tie the can behind your car and drag it to their office. Leave
    it there. Take the cheese and
    stinky stuff along!!

    I don't like to hear you complain
    about all your rains...as we have none and it is in the 100s again!

  7. Schremsgems, thanks. Stealing isn't a bad idea, but it won't work in this case. The neighbor on the left puts her garbage in my can (that must have been her fish sandwich), and the one on the right is in the same shape I'm in. Her lid disappeared the same day mine did.

    Priss, I might press you and your rent-a-choir into service for this. Could be a good time! LOL!

    Cousin Postlady!!! I'm DELIGHTED to see you here--and you can sing lead since you have recent show biz experience. Call me if you have blog questions. I might not be able to answer, but I can probably tell you where to look.

    TC, you're right. But the delivery can't be any worse than the pickup.

    4th Sister, good idea. At the very least, putting it on the bulletin board might put that little tune in their heads and drive them all nuts.

    Sweet-Sister, the idea of towing the trashcan creates a REALLY funny mental image. As for the rain, I'll send you some; I'm collecting way more than I can use.

    Thanks, everybody!

  8. Great song!! I vote with sweet-sister three! Call the local news station first and have them film it. Everybody who needs a new can will thank you!

    Meantime, can you put a plastic trash bag over the top of the can to keep the rain out? Might be a challenge to figure out how to keep it on, but it might work.

  9. Oh my gosh, that is so funny! I can't sing but I would volunteer anyway! Would a howl work? Maybe someone could record it and send it to the local radio station for a couple of plays during the day.

  10. Janet, DOH! Of course, I could put plastic over it. It just never crossed my mind. Thanks for doing my thinking for me.

    Noel, I think howling would be a great attention-getter, so, yes, you may certainly be in the choir.

  11. sorry I missed all the action Velvet but that is so funny, your post, not your situation, I'm sue it will work. Good luck!And hoping for a spell of dry weather for you. :)

  12. send it. you know, sometimes letters like this get more done than letters telling them what stupid people they are.

    too funny.

    the pics in the other entry are wonderful.


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