Saturday, June 28, 2008

Whodunnit?

I sit in the living room, reading a book. Four dogs sleep nearby. Butch, Kadi and Winston lie at various spots on the floor, and Lucy snuggles next to me on the sofa. The peacefulness surrounds us like a warm, soft hug.

After nearly an hour of undisturbed quiet, I lay my book on the end table and rise to go into another room. Around a corner and two steps away from the living room, I spot a puddle in the hall. “Oh my gosh!” I say loudly. “Who pee-peed on the floor?”

I take two steps backward and lean back far enough to look into the living room. Butch, Kadi and Winston are exactly where they were before. Except for the fact that all three of them have turned their heads to look at me, they haven’t changed position.

Lucy, however, has moved. She's on the sofa, but it's the other sofa. The one across the room from where I’d left her seconds ago. She lies in the center of the sofa, perpendicular to the back of it. She’s on her belly, with her head scrunched down and her chin resting on her paws. Her eyes are as big as I’ve ever seen them, and they're intensely focused on my face. She wags her tail tentatively, side to side, in slow motion, as if she imagines there's a white flag tied to it.

I opt for paper towels instead of a crime scene kit, so I can’t prove Lucy did it. Let's just say she's a canine of interest.

18 comments:

  1. As the attorney of record for one Miss Lucy, let me state absolutely positively, my client did not commit this heinous crime.

    No testing has been done to prove this pee pee to be canine or human, thus widening the suspect pool.

    While my client may know who committed this crime, she will not speak until she has been guaranteed immunity from prosecution. Until that time, Miss Lucy is taking the fifth.

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  2. Miss Lucy is just so cute, you couldn't get mad at her even if she confessed, could you?

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  3. Creekhiker, as Lucy's attorney, you should be advised that she has a rap sheet a mile long. Fortunately, it's a highly absorbent rap sheet.

    You refer to "widening the suspect pool," but in fact, the width of the "suspect puddle" measured approximately one-fourth of a floor tile, which is the precise dimension of Lucy's prior offenses.

    Kadi drinks enormous quantities and isn't likely to have piddled a puddle that small.

    I've preliminarily cleared the boys, Butch and Winston, because the puddle was in the middle of the floor, not up against a baseboard.

    Admittedly, there have been times when I've waited too long and made it to the bathroom with no time to spare, but if I'd made this puddle myself, do you think I'd have been so surprised to find it?

    That leaves Kim. She was outside in her studio the entire time, so I don't think she could have peed on the floor in the house. And even if she did, she has opposable thumbs, and I believe she would have cleaned it up. At least I'm pretty sure she would have.

    So, okay, counsel, I still think Lucy did it. I'm not ready to guarantee immunity, but before formal charges are filed against her, I'll bring Kim in for questioning.

    In more ways than one, this investigation is all about the process of elimination.

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  4. Betty, Lucy's cuteness buys her a lot of forgiveness.

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  5. Velvet, Do I need to point out to you that Miss Lucy is the baby of her pack and therefore should be excused a few, make that several mishaps.

    In addition, it was a very hot day and, lacking opposable thumbs, she required human assistance to open the door. Wouldn't that make you or Kim a party to this crime?? This barely ranks as a misdemeanor on her part, if she is, in fact, guilty.

    Either way, we simply are not willing to discuss any plea bargain that does not include lots of cuddling and cookies.

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  6. As an assistant investigator for defense counsel, I'd like to point out that while Spot is most certainly a boy, he has been known to squat on occasion. Therefore, in the absence of DNA testing, it is entirely possible that the males in the household could be responsible for the crime. (we're aiming for reasonable doubt here, you know.)

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  7. As social worker for Miss Lucy I would like to state that it's all her mother's fault and as stated in this 900 page documentation, the family genes would prove that housebreaking has been a failure with her siblings as well. Therefore, she will only stand trial for this crime after all testing as been completed and she is proven competent and free from post traumatic stress syndrome. If, at that time, she is found to be guilty it should be noted that the guilt be placed on the mother, for, as a product of her mother's gene pool, she simply could not help it and thusly, all charges should be dropped and the documents sealed until such time they can be purged from the system. Miss Lucy, of course, will attend counseling sessions in the interim.

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  8. I'm not an attorney, investigator, or a social worker. But I am a dog lover, that dog is too damn cute;)

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  9. CreekHiker, Lucy is indeed young, but she is no longer a juvenile. And even if this particular crime was a misdemeanor, I have personally witnessed piles of evidence of more serious offenses in the past.

    I will consider the possibility that the door was not opened for her when it should have been. That's because she requests that the door be opened approximately every half hour, not to relieve herself, but to run to the fig tree and steal another green, unripened fruit off the tree. It is in her own best interest that we deny her too frequent access to forbidden fruit.

    Janet: What?! Spot, squat? Surely not. But in light of your sworn testimony, the jury might find reasonable doubt.

    Val, as Lucy was adopted as a baby, we have not had access to her family medical history. I won't challenge your qualifications as an expert witness, and I will agree to the court documents being sealed. I do not, however, want documents or ANYTHING ELSE purged from the system. That's how we got in this mess in the first place.

    Maxngabbie, yes, Lucy's cute. Cute, cute, cute! Is that perhaps your subliminal way of telling me I was right to proseCUTE?

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  10. This post was funnier and better than any jokes anyone has sent me for the last YEAR! Thanks I need that ROTFLMAO!!!

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  11. Nan16, I'm glad you had a good laugh. I had hoped the post would be at least mildly amusing, but I hadn't counted on the creativity of the comedic commenters who cranked it up to a whole new level. These gals are GOOD!

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  12. I hereby submit a sworn, notarized deposition:

    "When Spot was a puppy he squatted, until he grew a bit and realized he was able to lift a leg like the other boys. He had me worried there for a while, so it was a relief. But sometimes he's too lazy to balance on three legs and squats."

    I move for a mistrial, Your Honor.

    (finally-all those hours of watching "Law & Order" have paid off!)

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  13. The moral of this story is: DON'T mess with Lucy! She's got a posse behind her! Er... maybe we should be beside her.

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  14. The court has granted a mistrial on the grounds of mishandled evidence. It is doubtful that the prosecution will retry this particular case; however, the activities of the defendant will continue to be monitored by law enforcement personnel.

    The following is a transcription of a statement issued today by the defendant, Miss Lucy: "I have a bone to pick with the arresting officer who collared me for this crime and also with the prosecutor, who, I feel, hounded me unjustly. On the other paw, I am eternally grateful to my attorney and the rest of the staff at the Puppy Defender's Office. Thanks to their dogged determination, I remain free. I had planned to show my appreciation by sending them a basket of fresh figs, but sump'm hap'm am de figs ah aw gone. Urp."

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  15. well...if looks mean anything....we would have to say she was guilty, sorry sweety

    keepers

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  16. Keepers, with an expressive face like Lucy has, it's a good thing she'll never have to play poker.

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  17. Tell Miss Lucy I hope she abides by the law from now on, and I'll be here if she slips up. My secretary will send my bill. ;-)

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