Monday, November 13, 2006

Killer vs. Fluffy

Something happened on this week's episode of The Bachelor that induced a flashback to the stupidest argument I ever had. The bachelor himself, Prince Lorenzo, took one of the three remaining bachelorettes to an amusement park, where he coincidentally (wink-wink) won her a big red stuffed dog. He asked her what she was going to name the dog. She said, "I think he looks like a 'Fred,'" and he said, "'Fred'? Well, I think he looks like a 'Simon.'" Whereupon she promptly declared the stuffed dog's name would be 'Simon-Fred.'

That's all it took to send my mind reeling back about 20 years to a time when I actually participated in an argument about an imaginary dog.

The man in my life (the one pictured here in the priest costume) went to a Crime Stoppers meeting one night. The next day he told me a little bit about the home security measures he'd learned the night before, then he made a request that struck me as just a bit odd:

He: "I need you to help me think up a name for a dog."

Me: "Huh?"

He: "They told us it's good to have a watchdog, but if you don't have a dog, you should make it look like you have one. A big one. They said to put a dog dish in the yard and put a name on it that sounds like something you'd name a really large dog. So I need you to help me think of a name."

Me: "Well, I see what they're trying to do, but I think that's going a little too far.

He: "Whaddaya mean?"

Me: "Most people don't put their dog's name on its dish. They put the food in the dish, and the dog eats out of it and understands that it's his dish."

He: "You're missing the point. The name should be something like 'Killer' or 'King' or something like that, not 'Fluffy' or some small dog's name. It's so a burglar would think there's a big dog in the yard."

Me: "No, I get it, but you could accomplish the same thing just by getting a really big dog dish."

He: "What do you have against putting the dog's name on the dish?"

Me: "I just think it's stupid. If you have two dogs, you might want to put their names on their dishes in case you need to tell them apart, you know, if you want to feed them differently or something. But if you only have one dog, you don't need its name on the dish. The dog can't read!"

He: (After a pause) "You're not being very helpful."

Me: "You know what? I'm running late. It's your dog; you name it."

After thinking about it for a while, I came to two conclusions: I was right about not needing the name on the dog dish, and he was right that I wasn't being helpful. The next time I'm asked to name a huge dog that will never even exist, I'll just suggest something like "Maximus" or "Hulk" and keep the rest of my thoughts to myself.


  1. Gosh you have me giggling tonight!! I'm such a weirdo, I always wanted to name one of my rotties "Fluffy!"

  2. LOL, isn't that just the kind of argument we were always stirring up twenty years ago! You really were right though, the name on the dish would have been a sure tip off that no real dog lived there. Very funny post.

  3. I always thought the mythical dog was pretty silly. Most professional burglers have thoroughly cased an area out and know where real dogs are or aren't. A much better trick would be piles of fake dog poo all over the yard! ;) Carmon

  4. Velvet - I love your posts about the man in the priest costume. This is funny! (Sure easy to tell why he's in your 'past')!

  5. Some people just can't think outside the box. He was told to put a name on the dish and by golly, that's what he was going to do! I agree with you, a big dish would have done the trick.

    I was in Target the other day and was amazed to see FOUR aisles dedicated to pet products - food, toys and clothing. I'm sure a personalized dog dish is not so farfetched anymore.

    Yes, you made it! For future reference, if you have blogger problems, I don't think it should count against you in the marathon - technical difficulties, acts of God, etc., are all beyond control.

    (Oops, originally put this under your "Holy crap!" entry - you can "get rid of the body" there if you like!)

  6. Two bloggers I read, you and Katie, talked about last night's The Bachelor. I never knew what I was missing!

  7. Creekhiker, I think "Fluffy" would be a delightful name for a Rottweiler.;-)

    Kat, I like to think I've moved beyond the stupid-argument stage (but I hope I'm not tested).

    Carmon, ohmigosh, what an idea! You may have just supplemented my meager retirement fund. Does the poo have to be fake? If not, I'm gonna give a little thought to eye-pleasing packaging, then put Butch and Kadi to work.

    Jackie, he really was a decent guy, which makes me feel a little guilty about having a laugh at his expense. Maybe the next laugh should be at the expense of one of my two ex-husbands, just to balance things out.

    Sunflower, I'm a mushy dog person, so I could understand a personalized dog dish. But it seemed silly to be that sentimental about an IMAGINARY dog.
    Oh, and two thumbs up on the rule clarification. I might need the help.

    Annie, every season I think I'm not gonna watch that show again...and every season I do. I just can't figure out why.

  8. Of course you were right! Was there ever any doubt?

  9. he he heeee! I like the commercial where the old lady sits in her chair and when robber comes along she barks like a dog until he runs away.

  10. Janet, there are lots of times I'm not right...but I don't always admit it.;-)

    Austin, how funny! I haven't seen that commercial, but it's a great idea.


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